When reality actually becomes real

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The Deployment Wall. The reality of him being gone the rest of the year is setting in. Slowly and all at once…

I have good days. Days where I don’t cry or get angry. Days where everything runs smoothly in the world of Sarah and Madi. Coffee gets made. Lunches are ready. We wake up on time. I feel great.

I have bad days. Days I cry over a song, a commercial or a show. Days my thoughts wander to the sadness that lives in the corner of my mind. Days I panic over things or situations. Days I feel helpless. I feel lonely.

I realized [with the help of my trauma therapist, Miss Toni] that love is something I do not readily accept. Or even feel. I block it out. Now, I’ll give love. I’ll give you every ounce of love I can muster. But I won’t save any of it for myself.

This realization first became apparent when she [Miss Toni] had me write all the emotion words I could think of… no cheating, no googling. So I sat alone in the dark one night. Listened to ‘Hallelujah’ on repeat, crying, for about half hour. And well, 125 words later, guess what emotion she noticed I left out.

L O V E.

Immediate tears. How can I not accept love?

This is how I started “Sarah love”. Things I need to either do or complete to show myself love. Time I need by myself to really feel love. Sarah love happens daily. It could be five minutes or an hour. Maybe I am enjoying a cup of tea in candlelight. Maybe I am writing. Or listening to a song or band that will allow me to cry or feel hopeful. Maybe it’s just about focusing on my breathe. I could just be making a list of things to do or people to call. Maybe I’m checking something off one of my many lists. It has to be something. And it HAS to be every single day.

I know he loves me. And I know my little angel loves me. But I am finally, finally allowing my heart to soak it up.

Now to the Wall. It isn’t just for her. It’s for me. Because I need tangible things too. I need pictures, and reminders of your personality and habits. I need to see where you are on the map. I need to put your mail in a special place… and the artwork she makes you… and the things we both can’t wait to tell you. I need you. And this is how I can keep you with me.

#deployment #usmc #loneliness #hope

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