The days will come when you just need to let the makeup run down your face, or let that song hit your heart like a lightning bolt. Some days you will be so productive! And then you’ll have days you call yourself lazy…
I called myself lazy Thursday night. Right in front of this incredible being who is guiding my soul back to my body. She shut that down real quick. I’m not lazy. I’m adjusting.
Waking up at 630am and getting my whole crazy act together. By 730am, little miss thing needs to be awake. She is NOT a morning person. Lately I’m struggling to convince her to brush her teeth. So I “assist” which we all know means I just do it because now I’m in a hurry and mama don’t play that game.
Finally at work. Yada yada work things. My imaginary 5:30pm whistle blows and it’s time to go home… home to the messy sink I left from that huge hurry I was in earlier, the clean clothes sprawled out all over the bedroom, the dirty fishtank that needs tending, the disgraceful floors that can only be saved with elbow grease, and the two bathrooms that just won’t clean themselves no matter how hard I wish upon that damn star…
But that waits. I make dinner. Give my little love a bath if needed. Maybe it’s a tea party night. Maybe it’s a popcorn and movie night. I’m not too sure we shall see. Her little mind doesn’t think or react like mine; like an adult. Her thoughts are current and so mindful; she hardly worries of the past or future. She just is. She’s in the moment. How I envy her.
When I actually take the time to think about it, I do a lot. Maybe not the same things I used to do (like cleaning and organizing the entire house) but I do the important things. Ohhh yes, it is killing my OCD side to have things awry. I’m learning to adjust to that. Slowly. Painfully.
But the weekend is here. And I cleaned those dishes, scrubbed those bathrooms, rearranged her room… and we still had time for Monkey Joe’s. And guess what Sarah?! You’re ALIVE. Through the chaos you’re alive. Dirty dishes and dirty bathrooms and even the disheveled house didn’t kill you.
There is time. There is time for it all. I need to be kind to myself. I need to realize, holy shit do I ever need to realize, I am now two parents while the love of my life is deployed. And I am doing a damn great job.
I joked [with this woman] Thursday night; “the bunny and Madi are alive! Can you even believe it?!” We both laughed and she said to me, this is exactly why you will be ok…
I cried for myself, for Madi, and for Bobby.
I have some pretty damn beautiful eyes.