My Confessions {Day 1}

Day 1. #fuckcancer #myconfessions

I don’t try to hide it, but I do not openly or publicly talk about my struggles AFTER cancer. Well, my sail has adjusted and here I am, for all the World to see…

I still struggle with memory issues (chemo brain). Every day. All day. It is very random and can show it’s ugly head in seconds.

S E C O N D S.

I can “forget” something you just told me. Seriously. By the time you finish your sentence, your words are gone like the breath you used to speak them. Nothing stuck. I could be intently listening, very interested. And yet it is gone. It’s actually terrifying for me. The onset of dementia presents just as so… I am the unripe young age of 31. I have missed paying bills, doctor appointments, birthdays, play dates, returning phone calls or texts, grocery shopping, seeing my girlfriends, writing letters, sending cards… everything. I have missed it.

Let me try to put this in perspective…

During chemotherapy treatments, when I was constrained to a hospital bed for 24 hours every other week, I thought “this is never going to end”… This treatment. Time is cruel. She is haunting me, watching me. [For me] life was paused. My toxic regimen felt like it was claiming itself as its own lifetime – and had somehow been stuffed into my actual life. The one I was supposed to be living. Who is in charge of lives?! You messed mine up… you got it wrong…

I would kill to have time stand still like again. Everything around me is moving, people have a destination… a plan. And I am just trying to remember your name. Or if I put deodorant on and had coffee yet. Time must think I am the perfect victim for Her little game. She made me stand perfectly still during a time I just wanted to get the fuck out and move forward. And now??? I am dying to stand still. To catch my footing. And She is forcing me to rush around with the rest of the world.

So you see, this little memory setback, is far from intentional. I can barely get through my day as me. In my own mind. I second guess. Triple check. Repeat a story within six minutes. And now I am supposed to join my fellow Humans in this thing called life. Just be normal.

Normal. Be. Normal.

This is my new normal. Welcome home, Sarah.

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